Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
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Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny