me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
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Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Bill is short for Billiam
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”