“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
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maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Why I divorced her.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
sounds kinky. i’m in.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats