The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
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How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.