The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
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Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply