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“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
the three genders
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started