Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
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JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.