After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
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Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Knock Knock
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
⛄️
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?