C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
You Might Also Like
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.