My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
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[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
I thought this was funny lol
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.