skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
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*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
*orders delivery*
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing