I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
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People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.