Investing in beetcoin
You Might Also Like
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Siri, fight Alexa.
So that’s what we looked like?
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.