Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
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Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip