A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
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I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement