14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
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I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
shampoo implies shampee
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah