Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
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I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.