“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
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My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream