If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
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If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.