Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
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Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
The USS B port
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.