If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
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I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
lol
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
The cashier just checked me out.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping