[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
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For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
I’m already scared
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”