My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
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Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.