therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
You Might Also Like
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.