15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
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This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Hey I worked for it too!
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators