Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
You Might Also Like
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
even bears disappoint their mothers
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.