Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
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This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send