Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
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mathematically impossible
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.