I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
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Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Meeeee too!
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Are we there yet?…