Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
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Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
this will hang in the louvre one day
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.