One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
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Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath