If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
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pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Monday?
No. Next question.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
no refunds
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho