I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
You Might Also Like
Real House Wines.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
BRO LMFAO
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.