If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
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I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
*leads a conga line off of a bridge