(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
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Donating blood today to make room for more food
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.