I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
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Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.