Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
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Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
How I like cutting carbs
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is