Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
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Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
This is me 🤣🤣
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex