Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
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When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂