NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
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Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.