Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
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who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
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•
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I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.