I’m going to need a moment here.
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I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.