Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
You Might Also Like
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
had to share :’)
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
How funny!