Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
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you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.