Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
You Might Also Like
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice