What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
You Might Also Like
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
When I snag the last meatball.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
People buying plungers never look happy.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband