My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
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My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“