In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
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Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.