There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
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new year update: losing everything but weight
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Children of the corn 🌽
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.