I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
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eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
The Sun
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.